051517

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Today was a weird day.

The new medicine I’m on fucks me up. I feel drained and tired. But so far, I’ve yet to have any significant face pain. Which, considering all the stress I’ve been under, is amazing. Maybe it is working.

Either way, it knocks me out. Which is great. Most of the time, I sleep like a rock. A few night’s ago, I slept until my alarm went off at 645. Which is really rare for me.

Today, I woke up multiple times. Through alarms, I had set, or just waking up. But i didn’t actually get out of bed until after 3pm. I guess that’s what depression does to you. Originally, I left the house to at least say I did something (if anyone asked). I ended up in downtown Oakland and I honestly don’t remember how I got there. Obviously, a bus. But I can’t recall which. 

I had the sudden urge to go to Target. This new medicine makes my skin really sensitive in the sun (and I asked them to refrain from putting me on anything that does such), so I needed sunscreen. 
I felt weird because i couldn’t remember what bus would take me from Broadway to Emeryville Target. I’m known for knowing these buses, but here I was, deeply puzzled on how to get somewhere I go to all the time. 

I got there and it was pretty busy. And I had already been feeling so anxious all day. I immediately found sunscreen and began walking around. I felt weak. And I felt confused. I was overcome by this fear and I didnt know what was happening. I kept walking around, picking up random things off the ground that I placed back onto shelves. I found a nice yellow shirt / dress that I also bought because yellow looks good on me. 

When I left Target, I still felt really anxious. I didnt really say anything all day. Haven’t texted anyone or called anyone. Because the one person i want to call, doesn’t want me to. And wouldn’t answer even if I did. 

But I guess this is life. Making mistakes, losing relationships and catching buses until you finally find your destination.

June 27th, 2016

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It has been a very long time since I’ve felt beautiful. Today was a lazy day, but I decided to get dressed up, do my makeup and head out. Just because. I felt because, I felt okay. I didn’t want to let my face pain keep me in the house and just keep me depressed all day. I’m tired of days like that.

Without insurance, I’m doing what I can to manage the pain: taking the little bit of medicine I have left, floating, soon, I’ll be trying acupuncture and possibly going to the chiropractor because that did help a lot. I’m trying to focus more on staying painfree. I’m trying not to stress myself out. I will continue to think positive and get up every day and enjoy life.

Love

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Sometimes it is so weird saying “I love you,” mostly because it gets toss around so much and it doesn’t seem as powerful. Kind of like the word ‘bitch’: say it 10 times and it no longer sounds like a word.

Love is such a powerful term and a powerful abstract feeling, in my opinion. I’ve never truly loved someone, let alone feel loved by someone until this year. And it is an amazingly scary feeling.

Surely we’ve all said “i love you” and didn’t mean it. But when I hear him say it, I know he means it. It’s not a joke, nor a tactic to get what he wants: he truly means it.

My boyfriend is someone who allows me to be myself: a giant crybaby who is always cold, who speaks in different and weird voices all the time. I’ve never truly felt so open and so close to someone. I feel like he knows everything about me: the good, bad and ugly. I know he has my back, and when I have a rough day filled with pain, he makes sure I’m taken care of. I can honestly say I love this guy, with a love I never felt capable of feeling. I can truly say I can be 100% myself and not be judged. I can have no makeup on and wear my natural hair and he’ll still think I’m the most beautiful lady person ever. I know he has my back, just like I have his.

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We are the perfect team. I love you.

Seasons Changes

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My last day at this god-forsaken job will be the 29th of May and I am excited. I have already interviewed for a better, more exciting position at a small company much closer to my home. I hope I get it! I want something that will challenge me, but won’t be too hard on my body. Something that will allow me to continue working at my other job, and just pays a decent amount, and allows me to be around people where my opinion actually matters.

This job seems really fun but challenging. I wear a lot of hats and will handle a lot of roles. I hope I get this job because it allows me the flexibility I want, as well as the free time I so desperately want and need. I enjoy jobs that allow me to try and do new things; it prevents me from putting all my eggs in one basket, while allowing me to master new skills.

This summer, I want to focus on myself. I want challenging things and not work at a job that doesn’t value or appreciate me, my thoughts or opinions.

I feel that the interview went well and they were really impressed by me. I was truly nervous, but the people I talked with were welcoming and relaxed and look like great employers: someone who I can actually take to and have my opinions looked at, instead of belittling me because I’m new. From the past two recent jobs I’ve had, (one I’m currently still at and one I’m leaving) I can seriously see the difference in being a boss and a leader.

There’s currently nothing I want more right now than this job. It’s such an amazing opportunity.

…Change is life. Stagnation is death. If you don’t change, you die. It’s that simple. It’s that scary.
—  Leonard Sweet

I’m having the feels at a job where I would not normally have the feels

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I work at a float center; people come in, float, chat, and leave. There’s rarely been a situation in which my heart strings have been pulled. We have a few people that come in that are living with fibromyalgiawhich is a chronic widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue and sleep problems. But I guess they never come on the days when I am actually working. There is one woman, though. I rarely see her, but when I have, I can see the tiredness in her eyes.  I feel for her, I slightly see myself in her.

But, today. This man took the cake of pulling my heart strings by leaving a simple, but detailed voicemail.

The voicemail was almost 2 minutes long, LOT longer than the standard “my name is x, do you have any appointments today?” Type of messages I generally receive. Anyways,  this man called and left a voicemail. He started by stating his name and spoke about how he has been clean from drugs and alcohol since February 8th of this year. That alone got me. He continued to say he quit his job yesterday because he’s been so stressed and he’s looking for an alternative. I know that floating often, or religiously as I often say, helps decrease addictive behavior, and helps detox the body (fuck yeah, Epsom salt). It will also helo decrease his stress. In such a short time, I thought so much. It made me think of my own parents.

Both of my parents did drugs on and off, and I wish I could have helped them and be there for them. I wish I knew how to alleviate these addictive behaviors they and diminish their need to do those horrible drugs. I look at my parents, and I feel as though I don’t know them. I look at them and wish I could save them. My parents are 58 and 67: They’re both adults who have lived their lives and honestly, they’re lucky enough to be here today. I walk the streets of my hometown, looking the junkies talking to themselves, or simply just too high to move. I see people begging on the streets and I’m thankful my parents don’t have to deal with that. But, inside, I am hurting. Tremendously. I hate the fear of going home and being forced to stay in my room while my dad gets high in the kitchen. I hate the fear of getting in the car with my mom, not knowing if she’s been drinking or smoking. I am almost 24, and I hold a lot of resentment with my parents. I love them; they’re the reason I’m here, but I don’t see them as parents, I see them as friends and part of me hates myself for seeing them in such a drastic change of light.

Back to the man who started all this up: He’ll be coming in today at 2pm, and luckily I will still be here. I want to tell him I am proud of him. I want him to know that no matter what, I’ll be cheering him on and thinking about him. I feel weird for feeling such a close connection to someone I only spoke to for less than 5 minutes… but. He gave me the feels. He literally gave me the feels.

Work, work, work, work, work

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While there are some benefits to starting work at 6am, there are also some fucked up things. Like having to wake up at 430.

Today was rough getting up, which sucks because I’m fucking tired. I probably look a mess, but the truth is: I don’t care. I thought I slept pretty decently. But when I got up at 4 am and tried to sleep a little longer, it honestly wasn’t happening. My mind was thinking of a thousand things and it was torture. I couldn’t really tell you what I was thinking about. I was cold, it was earlier, it went through my “do I seriously need this job?” Phase I go through every day I start work at 6am.

I absolutely hate that I can’t shut off my mind. It’s time for sleep or at the very least some slight shut eye. But instead, I was thinking about random things.

At 530am, like always, I requested my uber for work. Although the ride was super speedy (approximately 15 mins) I was upset he kept trying to talk to me and I couldn’t nap. At least I got there early enough to buy coffee, but still. I’m exhausted and desperately want to float so I can get some better sleep.

with love.

nothingness;

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My mother never taught me how to communicate. I am fastly approaching 24 years of age and the main thing she taught me was that I didn’t want to end up like her.

Not necessarily a good lesson, or a lesson nonetheless; just years full of observations. In my 24 years of life, I ultimately feel like she has never taught me anything, neither has my stepmom who raised me for most of my life. I had a handful of sisters, half sisters, but to be honest, I never saw them as half-sisters until probably 3 years ago. I have 4 older sisters and none, NONE has taught me anything tangible. Everything I know, I know from friends and college. I’m almost 24 and I can’t even wear my natural hair without a shit ton of anxiety because NO ONE taught me that being natural was okay, let alone beautiful. But those are stories for another time.

Yesterday, I was telling my therapist how I didn’t want to end up like my mom. She is 57 with no savings account, no job, drinks every day and is just a wreck. I try to be supportive: I love her for bringing me into this world, but I feel as though she isn’t learning from her mistakes. In September of 09 she drunkenly crashed her car, damn near killing her and yet, she still fucking drinks. I was in that car and although I left with simply a cut on my knee, I still have PTSD in cars. Because of her selfishness, I am terrified of driving. Maybe I’m being selfish, but considering I’ve been saving her ass on and off for over a year now, I deserve to be selfish. We have good conversations, but it feels more of a friend relationship, not daughter and mother.
And with mother’s day quickly approaching, what’s a girl to do.