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My mother never taught me how to communicate. I am fastly approaching 24 years of age and the main thing she taught me was that I didn’t want to end up like her.

Not necessarily a good lesson, or a lesson nonetheless; just years full of observations. In my 24 years of life, I ultimately feel like she has never taught me anything, neither has my stepmom who raised me for most of my life. I had a handful of sisters, half sisters, but to be honest, I never saw them as half-sisters until probably 3 years ago. I have 4 older sisters and none, NONE has taught me anything tangible. Everything I know, I know from friends and college. I’m almost 24 and I can’t even wear my natural hair without a shit ton of anxiety because NO ONE taught me that being natural was okay, let alone beautiful. But those are stories for another time.

Yesterday, I was telling my therapist how I didn’t want to end up like my mom. She is 57 with no savings account, no job, drinks every day and is just a wreck. I try to be supportive: I love her for bringing me into this world, but I feel as though she isn’t learning from her mistakes. In September of 09 she drunkenly crashed her car, damn near killing her and yet, she still fucking drinks. I was in that car and although I left with simply a cut on my knee, I still have PTSD in cars. Because of her selfishness, I am terrified of driving. Maybe I’m being selfish, but considering I’ve been saving her ass on and off for over a year now, I deserve to be selfish. We have good conversations, but it feels more of a friend relationship, not daughter and mother.
And with mother’s day quickly approaching, what’s a girl to do.

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