I got invited to a birthday lunch tomorrow at a place I go to a bit. They’re girls from high school, which I can’t recall if I ever spoke to, honestly. It was 7 years ago, I was hit by a car and lost some good memories…
But this truly made me happy. I am absolutely terrified of going and being awkward or having bad face pain, or just feeling exhausted. And I confused this to the girl that invited me. She sent me so much love. I was on the verge of tears. It’s been a very long time since I hung out with friends. I’m mot very social and I don’t have friends in Oakland, besides my coworkers, and my brothers friends. I also go to work, sleep, work, home.
I feel like I seriously lack interpersonal skills, especially after the ‘breakup’ I had with someone I considered a friend. Only after we (or she, rather) decided to stop being friends with me, did I stop to realize how one sided the ‘friendship’ was. I remember being so lost and confused that night. I was in San Leandro when I tried to reach out, I remember reading what she assumed about me, basically that I was childish and I was against her. But I never whispered anything mean against her, always looked up to her as someone amazing. I thought she was miraculous.
Only then, did I realize, we weren’t friends. The most basic definition of friendship is, “a state of mutual trust and support,” key word being mutual. She had no love for me, no trust in me.
When someone doesn’t want to be with you, or doesn’t want to be your friend, thank them. They are doing you a favor. They do not love you, they simply love themselves. Not every one you meet is a friend, not everyone you meet has the best interest in you.
I wasted so much energy loving and trusting this person, I lost myself in the process. I wanted her and her friendship but she never made me feel good enough. More often than not, I felt like a burden. I desperately seeked her acceptance; her approval. I allowed myself to be used. She must wanted someone easy to push around. Someone she could control.
Without her, I feel more powerful. I’m sad out friendship ended on bullshit terms, but most things happen for reasons. She was stuck in her ugly mind, and assumed the worst in me. And thats okay. Not everyone is on your side.
But you will find and cherish the people that are.